Cake and Carnage
by Bluebell Septimus
Summary: This is a SuperWhoLock crossover set in the hunger games universe. The first few chapters go district by district, character by character, but that changes once they enter the arena.
1. Chapter 1 - Introducing Tributes

District 1 Sherlock Holmes was bored. He knew he should be worried since reaping was the next day, but Sherlock was 18. He only had one more year, then no more worrying about it, not to mention there was sure to be hoards of idiots lining up to volunteer. He would not be one of them. He valued his life and had no need for the riches of winning that everyone else seemed to crave.

Irene would have been worried if she wasn't too busy dealing with her needy customers. There was no way she would be chosen. She had so many people who owed her favors, and whom she had blackmail against. No way in hell.

District 2 John didn't really want to join the Peacekeepers, but he knew he had no other choice. Of course, his other choice was to volunteer for the hunger games, but that was never going to happen. He hated the fact that he lived in District 2. He knew he had to fight, but he would much rather heal. Of course, that wasn't an option either. His future seemed to have been mapped for him in two possible paths - both of them leading to death.

Vastra was caking makeup on her face for the third time that day. She hated the way she looked, but anyone would if they had green scaly skin. She couldn't wait to become a Peacekeeper. Then at least she would have a mask to hide her imperfection. She was a mutation-no one was sure how it happened, but everyone was sure that it had.

District 3 District 3 was known for its education and technological achievements. Balthazar was known for his sarcasm and wit.

Charlie Bradbury was scared. It was her first year eligible for the reaping, and she didn't want to be chosen. She distracted herself by re-routing the peacekeepers computer to show that she had only committed one minor offense against them. Charlie was a technological genius, even for district 3.

District 4 No one was sure what his real name was, but he always went by the Doctor. He was different - instead of fishing like the rest, he chose to go swimming, exploring the undersea world. He was a happy, carefree, bowtied young lad, but those who had seen him angry knew just how terrifying he could be.

Meg had a demonic personality, there was no other way to explain it. She really didn't give a fuck whether she was chosen or not.

District 5 It was strange for someone for district 5 to not understand how electric power works, but that was Castiel. He was wired a bit differently from everyone else.

Anthea thought the world was beautiful, when she bothered to look up from her phone. Which was never.

District 6 Phillip Anderson always managed to piss people off, and they would never explain why.

Sally Donovan was smarter than everyone else, or so she thought.

District 7 Metatron Douche loved to write, but unfortunately everyone got angry when he used the lumber as paper, but he didn't see it as having any other practical purpose.

Donna Noble tended to blend into the background, despite her fiery personality and her hair to match.

District 8 Rory was in love with Amy, and they planned to be married someday.

Amy was in love with Rory, and fashion, which was appropriate for District 8, the district of textiles.

District 9 Greg Lestrade loved justice. In fact he sometimes wondered if it would be possible for him to be a Peacekeeper, but it wasn't. He was destined for grain. But he loved bread, too.

Clara Oswin Oswald loved to bake. Too bad she was terrible at it. She could never figure out why her souffles just never turned out right.

District 10 Dean was made for district 10. He loved meat-being able to look at the animals and thinking of the best dish they would create. He also got in fights regularly. Everyone said he was made for the hunger games, but Dean didn't agree. Fighting was one thing, but killing was a whole other story.

Martha Jones was a healer, not a slayer of tasty meats. She wasn't made to be in District 10, and tended to forgo the herding for healing, healing of humans and animals alike.

District 11 Sam, in some ways, had an advantage in picking fruits from the trees, and in some ways he didn't. He was tall, so he could reach some fruits just standing that others had to climb to get. But he was practically a moose in height, and had trouble climbing the trees to reach the higher up fruits. But he loved salad. He could never imagine being in the hunger games. Unlike the apples in the trees, not every child would be picked, so he assumed he was safe.

Rose Tyler enjoyed climbing trees. She liked how the top of the trees was like her own little world, and from the very top she could see all of district 11 stretched out before her. It was like she was alone in the world.

District 12 Adam liked coal.

Molly Hooper was a timid girl. Though thankful she wasn't destined to work in the mines, being the apothecary's daughter, she still worried for all those who constantly had their lives in danger.

Though none of these children were aware, they were all about to be sent to their deaths in an arena, unable to escape unless dead or murderers.

**A/N ***********

Adam liked coal because it burned like him in hell.

With Satan.

New chapters coming soon! :):):):)


	2. Chapter 2 - The Reaping

"Welcome to the 68th annual Hunger Games. And, as always, may the odds be ever in your favor. As always, ladies first."

District 1 Irene had thought it was impossible for her to be chosen. She had taken every precaution to make sure that those in charge hadn't let her down. Even so, when her name was chosen she wasn't worried. She wasn't worried until those who had been aching to volunteer as tribute were silent. Dread set in as she realized that she was going to be sent to her death. Those bastards.

Sherlock was surprised when his name was chosen. Of course he was, but he didn't move from his spot as he waited for someone to volunteer instead. The crowd was silent. Then they began applauding. "Yeah, freak!" they shouted as Sherlock was ushered onstage. He glanced at the girl next to him, the first tributes from District 1 in anyone's memory to have not volunteered for their fate.

District 2 Vastra's heart was pounding as the capital woman's hand fished around for a girl's name. Eventually, agonizingly slowly, she read the name. "Jenny Naibsel." Vastra's heart stopped. Jenny was the only girl who knew of her abnormality as accepted it, and she had slowly felt herself falling in love with the girl. Before she knew what she was doing, Vastra cried, "I volunteer!" She and Jenny locked eyes as she was led onstage, tears forming in both girl's eyes.

"John Watson." Though scared, John couldn't help but feel relieved. Finally, after all of his worrying, his fate had at last been chosen for him. He was free from one prison and being sent to another, this one where he would have to kill to live.

District 3 "Charlie Bradbury. Oh, dear, I think this came from the wrong bowl." said the capital representative, but she was soon corrected as the fiery-headed girl stepped up onstage. The girl was frightened. It was only her first year eligible and she was already going to be sent to her death. Hermione couldn't help her now.

Balthazar was, of course, surprised that his name was chosen, but he wasn't going to go down without being a sarcastic little shit first. "Oh, there's something on your blouse," he said to the capital woman as he stepped onstage. She looked down and he flicked her nose. She looked quite offended and a few Peacekeepers looked like they were about to tackle him, but then he said, "I guess we're even now that you've sent me to my death. Ready to go?"

District 4 Meg didn't give a fuck. "Meg Masters." She suddenly realized she had a fuck to give after all. "Aw, shit."

The Doctor was more excited than he should have been. "Woo-hoo!" he cried, his arms waving above his head as he ran onstage. The other girl looked at him like he was crazy. "You do realize we're probably going to die, right?" she said. "Yeah, but it'll be an adventure somewhere I've never seen before!" As the two were being led inside, Meg turned and shouted to the crowd from their district, "See ya', hoe nuggets!" The Doctor wasn't sure how to feel about her yet.

District 5 Anthea didn't notice her name had been called until her phone was yanked out of her hand by a peacekeeper. "What the-" but she was cut off as she was pushed onstage, the entire district staring at her silently. _Shit,_ she thought to herself, _there's no cell service in the arena. _

Castiel's eyebrows furrowed, eyes squinted, and his head tilted to the side as his name was called. He didn't understand why he must go and fight. He did not wish to kill, though he knew he could.

District 6 "Sally Donovan." No, no. There was no way she could be chosen. She was too perfect for that. And pretty, and smart, and always right, so how did she end up on stage with nothing but the wind to take her place? Oh, wait, strike that. Even the wind seemed to whisper in her ears a silent call of "Fuck you."

"Philip Anderson" _Aw, nuts_. Once Anderson realized that he had been chosen, about ten minutes after his name was called, that was the only thought that could pass through the twelve-year old's thick skull.

District 7 "Metatron Douche." Metatron sauntered up to the stage and announced to the silent crowd, "It's pronounced, 'douche-ay'."

Donna Noble relished the silence. It gave her an opening to finally say what she wanted, while she could. "Oh, bloody hell! I've never done anything wrong in my life and this is how you repay me? By sending me off to an arena to die, along with this freak with the last name Douche? Seriously?" "It's pronounced-" "I don't care how it's pronounced! You can all go to hell, every last one of you! And I'll see you there!" With a mighty _hmph_ of triumph, she swaggered off the stage and into the justice building.

District 8 "Amelia Pond." "I volunteer as tribute!" Shouted Rory. The crowd would have snickered, had this not been a situation of sending people to their death. The capital woman wasn't sure how to respond. "I'm afraid you can't volunteer in her place." "Why not?" "You are of different genders." "Oh… right." said Rory. Amy flashed him an amused smile before stepping up onstage. She loved Rory, and would miss him in her inevitable death.

However, the capital woman had barely even begun saying the name of the boy who was to be sent when Rory volunteered again. Of course, this time he was accepted as tribute and stepped up onstage. He took Amy's hand. "You idiot." She murmured. "Now one or the other or most likely both of us are going to die." "This way I can protect you as long as possible." he responded. Amy smiled and the two kept holding hands even as they stepped into the Justice building.

District 9 "Clara Oswald." the girl gulped and stepped onstage. Suddenly her red dress felt too tight and she could barely breathe. _But, but, _she thought to herself, _I have a souffle in the oven. _Even scared for her life as she stepped onstage, Clara looked perfect.

Greg Lestrade was chosen and for some reason it didn't feel like justice. He took a deep breath and stepped onstage. "Do you have anything to say to District 9?" asked the overly-cheery capitol wolman. Greg cleared his throat. "Not my division."

District 10 Martha was sobbing slightly as she stepped onstage. _I can't even slay the tastiest of meats, _she thought to herself solemnly. _How will I be able to slay 23 innocent children?_

Dean wondered if they would have hamburgers in the arena. He wasn't really worried about the fighting part since he did so often enough. He could even kill this Martha girl if necessary. Oh, he would be a pit of self-hatred afterwards, but that was a problem for future Dean .

District 11 Rose Tyler was sobbing as she stepped up onto the stage. While the thought of finally going somewhere other than the security-tight District 11 should have been appealing, at least a little, it was marred completely by the knowledge she likely wouldn't be able to experience it for long.

Sam, all 6'4 of him, was terrified at the thought of having to enter the arena. Why, out of all the boys in District 11, was he the one destined to be sent to his death that year? If he'd thought he stood any chance, he would have run and hidden just then.

District 12 Molly Hooper was upset, she needed District 12 like District 12 needed her. Who would carry on the Apothecary now when her parents were no longer there? She had been training to take over the art for so long, but now it seemed it was no longer an option.

Adam was chosen. Adam was sad.

**A/N **************

In case you're wondering, I made up Jenny's last name. Naibsel. It's Lesbian backwards.


	3. Chapter 3 - The Interviews

"Welcome, everyone! My name is Caesar Flickerman, and welcome to the interviews of the 68th Hunger Games! We've got some very special tributes tonight who are about to enter the arena. Let's go meet them. From District one…."

District 1 "Irene Adler, don't you look ravishing!" "Well, the Capitol does give me a lot more...resources." "And what could you possibly mean by that?" "Are you sure you want to know?" After a moment of consideration, Caesar decided he _didn't_ want to know.

"Sherlock Holmes! Welcome to the Capitol!" "Oh yes, I feel very welcomed by all you snobs just waiting to watch me fight to the death." The audience murmured slightly and Caesar hastened to change the subject. "How was training?" "Boring, as expected in a room full of idiots." "Well, good thing you've exchanged the training for the more intelligent Capitol crowd." "Oh, REALLY?" He dramatically turned to the crowd. "Three affairs, six plastic surgeries made in a jealous rage, and four psychopaths. And that's just in the front row, in the crowd in general…" Needless to say Sherlock Holmes was not likely to get many sponsors.

District 2 "How was training, Madame Vastra?" "Pretty good. I know where my strengths are now." "And what are your strengths?" "I can't give away all my strategies before the games, can I?" She knew that this was utter horse shit on a stick, as the games had begun the moment she volunteered. As time went on Vastra began to sweat. It wasn't from nerves - well, not entirely. It was hot on the stage and to her horror she felt the thick layer of makeup washing away in rivers down her cheeks. She resisted the urge to touch her face in fear of smearing her makeup further, but eventually she was just too hot (hot damn) and she dragged the back of her hand across her face, revealing the abnormal green scales beneath. There was a collective gasp from the audience and she blushed heavily, her green skin turning red as if it were Christmas. There was silence among the crowd, broken only by sparse murmurings. Then, as one collective body, they all burst into applause. Caesar laughed and applauded right along with them. "Well, this is a rather outrageous surgery. I wouldn't be surprised if there were soon a new trend sweeping the Capitol." Vastra smiled, and for the first time didn't feel ashamed of her abnormalities.

"So, John, what did think of training?" John bobbed his head awkwardly and gave an awkward smile. He'd been coached endlessly about what to say, but he just couldn't remember. His interview was a lot of awkward silences.

District 3 "So Charlie, how was-" "Let me stop you right there, Caesar Salad." Charlie sprung to her feet and strode to the front of the stage. She pulled a small remote out of her dress pocket and pressed a button. Curtains on the back of the stage were pulled back to reveal a large screen. Somewhere a projector started up and a video began playing across all the TV sets in Panem. "War. Terrible war." It was the opening video shown before the reapings in all the districts. Charlie pulled a solemn look on her face until suddenly there was a heavy beat implanted over it. Suddenly loud electronic beats were playing along with the script. "W-w-widows, orphans, a m-motherlessss chiiild." Murmurs spread through the crowd of an old style of music called 'dubstep'. Charlie was suddenly dancing like crazy on the stage. Her red hair flying and her dress twirling up around her. When the video ended she laughed and slowly spun to a stop before taking a bow. There was a stunned silence throughout the theater. She sat back down. "To answer the question I'm sure is coming, Caesar, my favorite part of the capital is most definitely the technology I get to play with."

"So Balthazar, how was training?" "Fuck off, you extremist, narcissistic, green-haired, hot-headed, blasphemous abomination to humanity and all its essential liberties, you douchnozzle." Silence, except for a call in the distance-"It's pronounced 'Douche-ay'!"

District 4 "Well, Meg, I have to say-" "Hold up there, weed brain." "Oh come on, can't anyone let me finish a sentence?" Meg ignored him. "Since that Balthazar asswipe took all my best insults, I'll have to settle for a simple 'fuck you'." She raised both middle fingers high and strode off the stage.

"So, why do they call you the Doctor?" "Well, we'll have to see if you can understand the complex explanation to which I provide as an answer to your inquiry, for even the strongest of minds sometimes cannot fathom the truth which I am about to express to all of Panem - I am a doctor. Wrote my own degree and everything. It's very nice, sometimes I call it sexy."

District 5 "Okay, I have a question for you, Caesar." said Anthea. "And it's such an important question that I can't believe no one has asked it yet. Is there going to be wifi in the arena? Because, like, oh my God, like, seriously, I can't even and other stereotypical white girl phrases."

"I don't understand the concept of giving us two weeks to try and learn the skills that may very well be our only tools to surviving in a very large enclosed area, all the while hunting and being hunted by the very people we train with simply for entertainment." "Castiel, I haven't even asked you anything yet." "Okay, then ask me something." "How was training?" "I don't understand the concept of-" "Okay, next!"

District 6 Donovan was eager for her interview. "What's my best quality, you ask?" "I didn't ask that." "Well, it would have to be my sparkling personality." Donovan waved to the crowd who was silent as Caesar rolled his eyes, causing his green eyebrows to roll like really weird earthworms of some sort. Donovan began clapping for herself.

"I like dinosaurs," sad Anderson. "Good for you." Ceaser said repeatedly for three minutes while rubbing his temple in exasperation. He was getting really tired of these tributes. "Good for you. You know what, good for you. Good. For. You. GOOD FOR YOU."

District 7 "Oi," said Donna. "What?" "You got weird hair. You look like a spaceman." "Are you intoxicated?" "It's fucking green, what was I supposed to think, spaceman?" "You've been in the capital for a full week and my _hair_ is the weirdest thing you've seen?" "Spaceman."

"Well, this whole interview thing has already gone to shit. So, Metatron, you're kind of a douche." "_For the last time_, you muggle, it's pronounced 'Douche-ay!'" "Do you promise that's the last time, you douche?" "It's pronounced-" "You lied to me."

District 8 "So, Amy, your district's other competitor tried to volunteer in your place." "Yeah, he's kind of a derp. But he's my derp so that's what matters." A collective 'awwww' sounded from the audience.

"So, Rory, I have to ask: what was going through your mind when you volunteered for Amy?" "I don't know, I thought it was pretty noble. If she was trapped in a box for a thousand years I'd probably sit outside and guard like a Roman. I like Romans." "GOOD FOR YOU."

District 9 "So, Clara, I will ask you about your training regime in a moment, but I have to ask first: how do you get your hair to look so fabulous? I mean, it looks so good in all conditions!" "Well, it's just sort of natural. But as far as training, I find that words can be my greatest weapon." "Can you tell me how?" "Well, I was once given a test where I had to answer each question with only one word. I was the only one to ever pass that test. You'd be surprised, the power of words."

"So, Mr. Lestrade, how good are you with a sword?" "Not my division." "Okay….with a bow and arrow?" "Not my division." "A mace?" "Not my division." "Plant identification?" "Not my division." "Spear?" "Not my division." "Javelin?" "Not my division." "Heavy lifting?" "Not my division."

District 10 "So, Martha, rumor has it you were going to be a healer. It's rather ironic you were put in the Hunger Games." "Yeah, ironic. That's one word for it. Another is tragic. Unfair. Devastating. Awful. Shitty. It just sucks that now my home won't have someone to be healer unless I win."

"So, Dean. Tell me about yourself." "I like burgers." "Well, then, I suppose it's a good thing you're in the livestock dist-" "Also pie. Man, I'd never had pie in my life before coming to the capital but now I'm in love with it. That is some tasty shit, man." "Shit seems rather untasty to me, but let's focus on the upcoming Games." "Man, why would I do that? I don't want to focus on the Games! I'm trying not to think about that shit until I'm actually in the fucking arena."

District 11 "Rose Tyler. I must say that you are a very attractive young woman." "Oh, thank you!" "So… is there anyone special in your life?" "Oh, I had a boyfriend back home named Mickey, but when I left for the Capital we called it off." "Oh, that's a shame, but I doubt you'll have much trouble getting yourself a new boyfriend when you win the games." "Oh, thank you, Caesar. People often underestimate me, but I can hold my own alright."

"So, Sam, you're rather tall. I bet that'll come in handy in the arena." "How will that come in handy?" "Well… uh… you're tall enough that you could probably wipe out a good portion of your competition simply by stepping on them." "Well, I guess, except I'm not a big fan of fighting and I won't be able to hide from my competition." "Well, I guess you're just fucked, then," said Caesar, exasperated.

District 12 Molly timidly walked onto stage and sat down across from Caesar. The green-haired interviewer sighed, rubbing his forehead to try to get rid of the pounding headache, not noticing when he smeared his makeup. "So, Molly… you were a healer." "Yes. I may not be the best fighter, but I'd definitely be a good addition to an alliance." Caesar looked at her for a few moments before speaking. "GOOD FOR YOU."

"You know what, I'm tired. No. I'm done. Sorry, Adam, I am not putting up with any more tributes' shit. So that's all, folks! Please stay tuned for the singing of the Panem anthem!" Caesar forced a smile as he waved to the audience. Adam blinked. "I like coal." He murmured.

**A/N************

Hey guys! Sorry this chapter is coming up so late, and there's probably going to be a bit of time before the next chapter, but I am working on it and it will be uploaded. To answer one of the questions in a comment: Adam is from Supernatural, and if you don't know who he is then you see why he's being portrayed the way he is in this fic.

Also, with Anthea saying all the "stereotypical white girl phrases" that wasn't meant to offend anyone, just to be funny. If anyone was offended by that I'm really sorry.


	4. Chapter 4 - The Night Before

Dipshit 1 Sherlock glowered at his mentor the night before the games. "Oh shut up, Mycroft. Go eat a cake or something." Mycroft hid the rest of his cake under the table. "You do realize, dear tribute, that I hold all the cards? One small gift from me can mean the difference of life and death for you." "Then go talk to the woman. Maybe she'll care."

"Mrs. Adler-" "Fuck off, Minecraft." Mycroft sighed and went to retrieve his cake, certain that this year District 1 would not have a winner.

Dictionary 2 The night before he was doomed to enter the arena, John Watson dreamt of the hurdles that he would soon have to jump. It was a dream he wished he never had, but also wished to never wake from.

Vastra threw all of her makeup in the garbage and wrote one last letter to her beloved Jenny. "My dear Naibsel, This may be my last chance to say it, so here it goes. I love you and I will always love you, my lovely loving love lover. Love, Vastra."

Dick Trick 3 Balthazar made it his personal goal to drink into a stupor the night before the games. "Fuck, I'm going to be so hung over in the arena." Technically he was too young to drink, but he was a tribute. He and the others were celebrities and could get what they wanted.

Charlie stared at every screen that night, trying to soak in the last technological advancement before she would be without, possibly for the rest of her life.

Dictation 4 The Doctor sang show tunes until his throat was hoarse and Meg had come by and beat him with a stick.

Meg beat the Doctor with a stick and then went to bed.

Distraught 5 Castiel contemplated the meaning of the universe and effectively blew his mind, managing to cancel out thoughts of the horror he was about to face.

Anthea was so immersed with her phone she didn't even realize she would be in the arena the next day.

Dis Dick 6 Anderson tried to sleep, but couldn't because of the sounds of Donovan monologuing about how great she was to no one in particular.

Donovan stared at herself in a mirror.

Ding Dong 7 Metatron continued to write the most pretentious book of all time, now an autobiography entitled "A Physiological Examination of the Quincentennial Algorithmic Mind of a Douche." He didn't know what half those words meant, but who cared as long as it sounded impressive.

Donna cried.

Disney 8 Rory made out with Amy.

Amy made out with Rory.

Dildo 9 Lestrade curled up in a corner of the room, and, rocking back and forth repeatedly, whispered "not my division" until the sun began to rise above the horizon.

Clara began applying makeup. She would have to put on lots of layers if she was going to look perfect for the whole games, as well as when she won.

Direct TV 10 Dean ate some pie and burgers and spent the rest of the night perfecting his fighting technique.

Martha reviewed plant identification one more time, hoping that her knowledge would prove to be enough.

Dish Network 11 Sam made himself a salad and reevaluated his life choices. Then he drank. A lot.

Rose rose from bed and then looked at the roses on her bedside. Then she wrote a last letter to her mother.

Dill Pickle 12 Adam slept.

Molly curled up on her bed and cried. She knew that to win the games, she would have to be in an alliance with one of the stronger and more prepared tributes. The problem was, who would want a simple girl like her as an ally?

**A/N************

I wanted to put for Sam 'Sam made a salad and fucked your bitch', but I didn't want to offend anyone. Also I wasn't sure if that one line would move it up to an M rating. More chapters coming soon! :)


	5. Chapter 5 - Adam

They stood around the cornucopia, fear coursing through their veins. Except Meg the psycho bitch. She was ready for some bloodbath killin'. They looked at their surroundings, mesmerized by the scene. It was Candyland. Like, literally the board game Candyland. Yeah, you know the one. Adam stepped off early and was blown up.

Adam's little pathetic excuse for his useless life flashed before his eyes. He remembered the days of his youth, growing up in the district of coal. The dust that hung in the air and clouded the lungs of him and everyone he knew. He spent his whole life thinking about how his future would be no more than digging through a mine and hoping that each day wouldn't be the day an explosive malfunctioned, ending his life. Yet here he was, dying at the hands of an explosion. Talk about irony.

He remembered his friends, how he would barely be remembered by them after his death. Maybe Molly, his district-mate would spare a thought for him on occasion, but other than that he was nothing but a lost soul slipping through his explosion-torn body.

The intense heat of the explosion made him feel like he was already in hell.

Adam died.


	6. Chapter 6 - The Bloodbath

_Shit_, thought the doctor, as he wiped bits of Adam out of his hair. _I don't think the medical degree that I made will cover this. _Everyone else _politely_ waited until 60 seconds had gone by, and then ran towards the cornucopia that would keep them alive. Sherlock grabbed a backpack and ran, taking the risk of finding nothing useful over fighting to the death for some bread. Following his lead were Molly and Irene, but following Sherlock directly, taking nothing, was Anderson, shouting "Wait for me, ally!"

Anthea ran around the bloodbath screaming for her phone, until John decided to kill her out of pity more than anything else. He was fighting with a spear, guarding the array of weapons at the cornucopia. Vastra stole a sword while John was killing Anthea, and, grabbing some food as well along the way, ran into the peppermint forest. Amy and Rory ran into the peppermint forest to find a secluded place to make out, but they were quickly found by Vastra, who swiftly impaled them both with one blow.

Meg began to fight John for the weapons, but, realizing they were both evenly matched in strength and sass, decided to form an uneasy alliance. Donovan foolishly tried to fight John for a loaf of bread, and was killed quickly. Clara, meanwhile, found the same fate at Meg's hand over a souffle.

Metatron ran screaming like a little bitch towards the lollipop forest, hoping to find a pen and some ink to write a strongly worded letter to the capital.

Dean tried to fight John as well, but, coming to the same realization as Meg, joined the alliance.

Sam grabbed some salad and ran off into the sugar-infested gumdrop mountains, hoping that their height would hide his moose-like form.

Donna started shouting about the unfairness of the games as she ran. Her loud voice attracted Meg, and Donna was swiftly silenced. Balthazar was hoping to steathily retrieve a weapon, but when he accidentally knocked over a sword, which fell towards a collection of spears, clattering loudly, Dean had him dead before the last spear hit the ground.

The Doctor was laughing good-naturedly as he grabbed a backpack and ran towards the peppermint forest, waving at the trio slaughtering his competitors.

Towards the outer edge of the supplies were some wires, which most people would find completely useless, but Charlie was not most people. She grabbed them excitedly and ran towards the molasses swamp.

Lestrade and Martha grabbed the same sleeping bag and fought over it for some time, playing tug of war. Eventually Lestrade elbowed her in the face and ran off with the sleeping bag before she even fell to the ground. Martha was dead before too long. What a wuss.

Castiel grabbed a comfortable-looking trench coat and ran the path towards the ice-cream sea.

Rose made a beeline towards the lollipop woods, taking nothing.

Once the trio had slayed their last, and the chaos had died down, nine cannon shots were fired. The games had begun.

A/N *********

Top o' the mornin' to ya, laddies. I'm back after a short (lol) hiatus of about a year. Or more. I wasn't keeping track. I'm very sorry if you thought this would be feel-good story where everyone lived and got along. No, they're dead. This is the Hunger Games. Coming up: candy impalement.

I promise (not that that means much) that the next chapter will be up much sooner than these were. Thanks for lending me your eyes.

Please ignore what an ass I am and leave a review, I really appreciate it.


	7. Chapter 7 - The First Night

"Why the hell are you following me?" Sherlock snapped.

"Language! Don't you mean, 'why the hickety-heck'?" Anderson replied stupidly.

"I most certainly did not mean that, imbecile. Answer the question."

"Because you're my ally!"

"Go to hell."

"But you'd come too because we're alliiiiiiieeeesssss," Anderson called, chasing as Sherlock tried to flee. Philip was surprisingly fast for someone so slow.

Suddenly they heard a rustling in the bushes. Anderson screamed like a lil bitch and hid behind Sherlock who smacked him for doing so. "Imbecile," Sherlock said for good measure. "Screaming will attract not only whatever deadly creature is rustling in that bush, but also the decidedly more deadly teenagers."

Then, out of the bushes, hopped a bright blue, radioactive… bunny. Of death. And pain. Also misery. Plus sadness. And cuteness.

"Oh my giggity-gosh!" Anderson squealed. "It's like a fairy!"

Suddenly, the bright blue, radioactive bunny of death and pain and misery and sadness and cuteness lunged at the 12-year old.

"What the friggidy-frack!" Anderson yelped. Those were his last words as the bunny ripped out his innards and ate him. Sherlock waited until he heard a cannon fire before he started clapping. He saluted the bunny, then the cameras for the capital in the sky, then left at a leisurely walking pace as the bunny opened his mouth like an anaconda and swallowed the boy whole.

.o.O.o.

Vastra was running for her life. Nothing new there, this was the hunger games, after all. Suddenly she collided with another being. She staggered back, confused and defensive, only to see the face of that weird "doctor" competitor, who cared only about licking a candy cane. "Are you alright?" the Doctor asked when he finally noticed her.

"The hell are you doing?" Vastra demanded.

"Enjoying Candyland," was the Doctor's reply around a mouthful of peppermint.

Vastra was about to ask something else when the two noticed a bright-ass orange sleeping bag hopping through the peppermint forest. It then proceeded to bump into a candy cane and cry, "fuck." A head popped out of the top, looked around, then slid back down before hopping away again in its 'camouflage'.

Vastra and the Doctor stood, wide-mouthed and gaping, as the orange blob hopped ignorantly towards them. The Doctor moved towards the blob and tapped it on what was vaguely the orange blobby shoulder. The top of the bag lowered, and the face of District 9 competitor Greg Lestrade. "Can I help you?" the blob said.

Those were his last words as the Doctor stabbed him with his candy cane, sharpened to a point from his consumption of it. He the wrenched it back out and said, "you know, if I leave the blade in, it keeps the blood in your body." He did not eat the candy cane, but dropped it as the cannon fired. "So, Vastra was it?" he turned around, but the green-scaled teen had fled. "I thought we bonded over death!" he cried into the peppermint void.

.o.O.o.

Sam cried as he ate the greenest, leafiest looking gumdrop he could find. There was no salad in Candyland.

.o.O.o.

That night the Panem seal appeared in the sky and the remaining tributes watched from their various sugar-filled locations.

Balthazar SassMasterson, District 3, age 17

Anthea Phone-Whore, District 5, age 13

Philip Anderson, District 6, age 12

Sally Donovan, District 6, age 15

Donna Noble, District 7, age 16

Rory Williams, District 8, age 16

Amelia Pond, District 8, age 16

Greg Lestrade, District 9, age 18

Clara Oswald, District 9, age 14

Martha Jones, District 10, age 17

Adam Adam III, District 12, age 12-18


	8. Chapter 8 - Day Two

The trio of careers had spent the night at the cornucopia. No point in moving, it was their territory now. "I'm hungry," Dean said.

"You mentioned that," said Meg.

"Go eat some candy or something," said John. "We're literally surrounded by it."

"I want meat," said Dean.

"Well that's just too fucking bad, fuckface," said Meg.

"Okay, you don't have to be such a bitch," said Dean defensively.

"It's a survival tactic," Meg snapped. "My sass forms a shield."

"Alright, calm down you two," said John. "It's morning-"

"No shit," Meg interjected

"-and we have to decide on our next move."

"Next move?" Dean snorted. "Next we wait for people to show up, then we kill them."

"And who, exactly, is going to come back here after that bloodbath?" John snapped.

"You're tense, bro. You should have some meat."

"You should eat a dick," Meg clarified.

The three were instantly silenced, however, when they heard a bush rustling. They whirled around to see someone trying to steal a sword.

It was Rose Tyler from District 11.

"Hey, cutie, what you doing?" said Dean, giving his award winning carnivorous smile.

"I-well," Rose could never finish as the sword she was trying to steal went into her liver.

"Don't get distracted, squirrel," Meg said as she pulled the sword from Rose's body and heard the cannon fire.

"Don't call me squirrel, hellbait."

John could feel a headache coming on. The alliance was just going super great. They'd be lucky if they didn't stab each other in their sleep.

.o.O.o.

Sam had decided to leave the Gumdrop Mountains in search of a balanced meal. He squatted to avoid being seen, however, it only brought him down to the height of a regular person. So it didn't help at all. Suddenly he spotted a sexy figure lounging, naked, on a sun-bathed gumdrop. It was Irene Adler, District 1. Duh.

As Irene noticed the mountain approach her, she sat up and wiggled her breasts defiantly. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

Sam shrugged. "Not really. I can appreciate some beauty in the arena, and that's a nice gumdrop. Oh, and you should probably put some clothes on."

Irene laughed. "And I can appreciate a little humor, even if it comes from someone the size of the gumdrops."

"Wow, that made me sound short." Lol. "So I guess we're supposed to kill each other, huh."

"Or we could do something more fun." Those were her last words as Sam snapped her neck.

"I dunno, that was pretty fun," said Sam nonchalantly.

.o.O.o.

Castiel was gazing into the ice cream sea. Then he was attacked by a Neapolitan, three headed ice cream shark. It had a head for each flavor, and teeth made out of ice cream cones that looked quite strong, and really hurt when they dug into his flesh. But Castiel bit it right back, right in the chocolate. It swam away, whimpering like lil bitch.

When Castiel made it to shore he wrapped his comfy coat around his butt wounds and pulled tight. But the world was already beginning to fade.

That was how Molly, the apothecary's daughter, found him. Her instincts kicked in and she tried to avoid touching his butt as she cleaned his wound. It was not easy, but soon he had gained some color. She wiped chocolate off of his cheek and an alliance was born.

.o.O.o.

That night the Panem seal appeared in the sky and the remaining tributes watched from their various sugar-filled locations.

Irene Adler, District 1, age 18

Rose Tyler, District 11, age 15


	9. Chapter 9 - New Alliances

While the molasses swamp offered seclusion from her enemies, Charlie's progression through it was slow and messy. Suddenly she saw something in front of her. It was a castle! Made entirely out of licorice. Maybe there was technology there! Her wires were lonely. She trekked on, leaving molasses footprints in her wake.

.o.O.o.

Metatron, unfortunately, could not find any pens or paper. So he monologued, knowing that the cameras would pick up every word and likely broadcast him across all of Panem. In reality neither of these were true, as not only was he too boring to show, the Gamemakers got so bored of listening to him that they turned the cameras off in his area.

.o.O.o.

Late in the day, Castiel finally woke up and stared at the puffy, marshmallow clouds above him. He vaguely remembered his ass being bitten by a shark, and he could still taste chocolate shark in his mouth. And damn, his ass was sore. But somehow he was alive.

"Wow," said Molly. "Somehow you're alive. How's your butt?"

"It hurts. Am I supposed to kill you now?"

Molly considered this for a moment. "You could, but considering we're allies it'd be a bit rude."

"Allies?"

"I did stop your butt from bleeding. Your butt's kind of messed up, but at least your face is still cute."

"I will be your ally if you stop talking about my butt."

"Deal. Now, come on, we have to find shelter."

Cas groaned and sat up. "It's morning. Did anyone die while I was out?"

Molly nodded. "Irene Adler from Dipshit 1 and Rose Tyler from Dish Network 11. That's thirteen dead now."

"That sounds unlucky."

"We're in the fucking hunger games, of course it's unlucky, now come on."

Cas learned something that day. With a deadly wound in your ass it's hard to walk. But eventually he got into a rhythm of hobbling along as Molly led the way through the candy wasteland. Finally, they came across a small house. Made of peanut brittle.

.o.O.o.

Sherlock woke up. After running from the Mutt he had named Bluebell which had murdered his 'ally', he had fallen asleep deep in the peppermint forest. He now had time to look through his pack. The first thing his hand hit was a small cardboard box. He pulled it out, filled with anticipation, only to find tampons. Extra absorbent for the stressful arena. "Useless," he muttered and reached into the bag again.

The next thing his hand hit was teabags. "I don't have any fucking water!" he snapped. "Useless!"

The third and final thing he found was a screwdriver. "Usel-"

"What's that?" Sherlock jumped as a voice reached him, and another competitor, licking a candy cane appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

Sherlock immediately noticed how sharp the cane was, and knew this wasn't an innocent child. He gathered up his tampons and tea, shoving them back into his bag, and held the screwdriver up as if it were an effective weapon. The Doctor only seemed interested in the screwdriver, and walked towards it as if it were not being used as a weapon at the moment. "How did you find that?" He glanced at the bag. "And, you know, you can't make tea without water."

"I know that, dipshit! Have you seen any water?"

The Doctor shrugged, still licking his candy cane. "No, I haven't been outside the peppermint forest, but let's go look for it."

Sherlock frowned. "Together?"

The Doctor laughed and tried to wrap one arm around Sherlock's shoulder as if they were friends. "Duh!"

And thus, another unlikely… alliance? Was born.

.o.O.o.

That night the Panem seal appeared in the sky and the remaining tributes watched from their various sugar-filled locations.

There were no new deaths.


End file.
